couple counseling
What to expect with couples therapy with Paul Hoskins
Relationships can be wonderful when they are going well but often have the power to make life feel miserable when they are going poorly. That is why choosing an experienced therapist in relationship therapy is vital.
I work with many people in many different kinds of relationships with various levels of commitment to one another. I don't ask that couples that come in to see me be fully committed to one another but I do ask that they are committed to creating an atmosphere of safety and trust and that they discontinue or have a commitment to work towards discontinuing engaging in activities that have created what relationship experts call attachment injuries. These are activities that create deep emotional trauma for the other person which can include things like an emotional or sexual affair, continual prioritizing or turning to other things for emotional support such as overworking, overuse of alcohol or drugs etc..
If you or your partner don't feel ready to make these kinds of commitments I do work with people individually at times to work through these concerns so that when we do enter couples counseling it feels safe for everyone involved.
BEFORE THE FIRST SESSION
You may want to do a 10-15 free consultation so that we can determine whether we would be a good match for one another. I encourage both partners to be involved in this consultation. This is like watching a short movie trailer to determine whether you want to go see a movie. The trailer will provides some of the highlights without going too deep into the plot but you get some sense of of what the movie is about. This is what we will be doing with one another on this free consultation you can provide the highlights of your concerns and I will provide the highlights of my approach and see how it feels then we will decide whether you would like to move forward with paid therapy services. I encourage you both to ask any questions you may have about my counseling approach at this time. There is never a commitment to attend sessions my recommendation is to continue as long as it is helpful and you feel like you are making progress.
THERAPY FEE
It is also during this consultation that discuss logistics of the therapy process such as availability and fees. we discuss therapy fees and whether you will need a sliding fee scale. My session fees are $150.00 for 60 minutes and $190.00 for 75 minutes and that fee is automatically charged to the card on file after each session is completed. I recommend 75 minute sessions for couples and families or for any individual that feels like the extra time would be helpful for them.
ONLINE PLATFORM
The consultation and all sessions afterwards we will be using the secure platform www.therapyappointment.com. You will be asked to complete intake paperwork and provide a debit or credit card but you will not be charged anything until you complete your first full first session.
If you are coming in for couples counseling the first session we will all meet together and we discuss and process relationship dynamics. This is an experiential process where we are trying to change difficult communication patterns. I play an active role and I often interrupt these difficult patterns and direct the process in order to facilitate change.
THE FIRST SESSION
DISCLAIMER EXPECT INTERRUPTIONS - I interrupt often and frequently but I try to do it as kindly and politely as possible as I am aware that many people have sensitivities to interruptions and that interruptions are often considered rude. With that being said all the models couples therapy models that I have been trained in emphasize the necessity to interrupt unhelpful patterns of communications so that the couple can learn how to communicate differently because after all that is what most people want when they pursue marriage counseling.
These are common phrases that you may hear from me during sessions:
Can I pause right here because this is important what is happening for your right now? - I need to interrupt because I noticed something that I don't want us to miss- This is how things usually go at home would you allow me to help you do something different right now.
If you have sensitivities to being interrupted please let me know but in order for everyone to feel safe I typically interrupt people when I notice strong protective parts that want to blame, shame or criticize and focus their attention on what these parts see as their partners flaws.
MODELS USED
I tend to mostly use Internal Family Systems and Emotionally Focused Therapy in my practice. I have found, and this is supported by research, that EFT is generally an effective approach when working with couples. I have found EFT to be an effective model in helping couples, individuals and family members work through and communicate their feelings and patterns of behavior in areas where they had previously felt stuck.
I believe that all parts want to help and have positive intensions but often the results when these strong protectors lead the way is not what anyone including these protective parts desire as they often bring about defensive and reactive parts in the other person. In the first session we often identify and track these patterns and how they impact each partner. We may even do what IFS and IFIO (Intimacy from the inside Out) call a U-Turn and instead of focusing our attention on what parts may see as a flaw in the other person we will focus on this protective part and try to learn what this parts hopes and fears and why it shows up for you to protect you in the way that it does. We may even begin to acknowledge and possibly share with the other person the vulnerabilities that these parts protect.
AFTER THE FIRST SESSION
After the first session I like to meet with each person individually in order to get to know them better and understand how each of their backgrounds influences the relationship. Depending on the couple and the needs of the relationship we may at times shift from working conjointly to working individually and then return to conjoint sessions.
WHERE I PROVIDE SERVICES
I provide couples counselling throughout the state of Michigan including in cities like Kalamazoo, Battle Creek, Grand Rapids, Traverse city, Lansing, and the Detroit area. I am not licensed to provide services outside of the state of Michigan.